In a healthy relationship, each side seeks to understand the other first, then is concerned with being understood. In an unhealthy relationship, each side is more concerned with being heard and understood, instead of taking the time to understand the other side.
Understanding one another requires considering the other person’s viewpoint rather than just our own. Understanding others and their point of view is important. The more we understand others, the more we can respect and value them. We need to see the situations and problems they face through their eyes. Each of us can take the lead in understanding others.
Empathic listening
One way to understand others is through listening with empathy (empathic listening). This means listening with the intent to understand a situation from the other person’s viewpoint. To have empathy means to fully and deeply understand another person, feeling things as they feel them.
Much more is involved in empathic listening than simply understanding the words being spoken. We must listen not only with our ears but also with our hearts.
When people speak to us, we know we do not always give them our full attention. We may pretend to listen, saying, “Yes,” “Uh-huh,” or “Right." Our minds and attention are really somewhere else. Sometimes we can even outright ignore someone who is trying to speak to us. Even if we do listen attentively, we are likely to be focusing on the external subject matter rather than on what is going on inside the other person. Very few people practice empathic listening— the highest quality of listening.
John: I can't understand my little brother. He just won't listen to me. David: You don't understand your little brother because he won't listen to you? John: That's right. David: I thought that to understand someone you needed to listen to him. John: Oh, yeah! (Pause) Well, I do understand him. I know what he's going through, because I've been through the same thing myself. What I don't understand is why he won't listen to me.
In reality, John has no real idea what is going on inside his little brother's head. He is only connected with what is in his own mind and imagines he knows what his brother is going through. It is certainly easier to see from our own point of view. We want others to also see this viewpoint, while failing to try to understand theirs.
In empathic listening we are trying to understand what is going through other people's minds and hearts. We don't automatically assume that other people see the world the way we do. Instead we sincerely open ourselves to what others are saying.
Seeking to understand requires humility and consideration for others. Once we have taken the lead in understanding others, then we can ask to be understood.
Communication glitches
The root of many difficulties in understanding one another is unclear expectations, which tend to cloud communication attempts. Whether it is a mother communicating with her child about household chores or an office manager dealing with the work of his/her staff, unclear expectations can lead to misunderstandings, disappointments, and distrust.
Example: Unclear expectations on the job
Dorothy had a job during the summer to save money for college. She was an assistant to one of the directors of a company. She worked hard for him and did whatever he asked her to do in the office. He was pleased with her work, and Dorothy was happy.
After a while, though, Dorothy noticed the secretaries in the office becoming angrier and angrier with her. When she asked them anything, they snapped at her, and she could tell they were saying bad things about her behind her back. It was becoming miserable to even go to work. At last, she asked the director if he knew what was wrong.
"Oh," he said. "Part of what you are supposed to do is assist the secretaries too. They are expecting you to do the filing they can't finish every day. They're mad that you're not helping them."
Dorothy said, "I didn't know I was supposed to do that."
"Well, I never told you that you had to help them," he said. "I have more than enough for you to do. But I guess from now on you are going to have to share some of their work if you want them to be nice to you. They're expecting you to help them."
Dorothy began offering her assistance to the secretaries after that conversation. They were a little kinder to her then. When she stopped working at the company to return to school, she wished someone had told her clearly what she was expected to do. She could have avoided a lot of misery that way.
People often have expectations that are not outwardly expressed, but which are assumed. In a marriage, the husband and wife usually have expectations of one another. They often expect the other to act the way their own mother or father acted. Although these expectations may not have been communicated or even consciously recognized, much less agreed upon, they can create real friction when not satisfied.
The same thing happens in friendships. One person may have unspoken expectations as to how a friend should act. The other person may not be aware of what is expected and winds up hurting the other person's feelings. For instance, one friend may expect that she will be invited along on any fun time her best friend goes on. The second friend may feel it is obvious that they both will have other friends with which they will do things separately at times. These unspoken expectations will lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings unless they are brought out into the open and discussed.
Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to make our expectations clear in relationships. It can seem easier to pretend that differences do not exist and hope that things will somehow work out. However, in the long run it is better to admit our differences up front. If everyone knows where the other stands, there is a better chance to find areas of solid agreement. Simple misunderstandings can become complicated, leading to distrust, conflict, pain, and communication breakdown.
Becoming a leader in communicating
Being a good communicator is an important leadership skill, whether leading a family, a club, a team, or your own life. It is crucial to our relationships with others.
To be good communicators, we must be aware of what is going on inside ourselves and take responsibility for it. Self-awareness means being in touch with our own perceptions, views, feelings, and desires. It is also very important for us to take responsibility for these things. We need to express them in clear, responsible terms without being harsh, rude, or demanding.
For example, it is better to say, “I feel frustrated that you have not returned my science book. I need it to study for the exam we have in a few days. Please return it this afternoon," rather than demanding, “Give back the book you took from me now, you thief!" Another alternative—silently getting angrier and angrier but saying nothing—is not a good one. You will communicate your anger through your "body language" and tone of voice, no matter how much you try to hide it. This will not help the situation. Only the first example of communicating one's feelings will lead to better understanding.
Understanding each other means to be able to "read" others well too. Sometimes what people are saying with their facial expressions, bodies, or tones of voice may be different from their words. Taking the lead in communication might mean saying something like this to a friend, "You say you are okay about being cut from the team, but you keep fouling me when we play at the park. If you are angry because I made the team and you didn't, I can understand. But I don't want to be fouled all the time." True friends are able to communicate honestly with each another rather than having to hide or ignore things in order to keep the "peace."
Successful leaders are those who can confront issues directly yet constructively. This usually means telling the person honestly about the issue, but not in a way that will ruin the relationship. Approaching issues with care and consideration can resolve many issues that otherwise could be very unpleasant to discuss.
Example: A drinking problem
Kyle had a problem. He and Brad loved to go to friends' parties. Brad was older than Kyle and could drive. He was the one who provided transportation to and from the parties, not only for Kyle but for other friends too. The problem was, Brad also liked to drink at these parties. When Brad drank, he was a terrible driver. More than once, they had almost gotten into an accident. After the last party, Brad had almost tipped the whole car over--with five people in it.
Kyle approached Brad by talking about what they had in common: the fun they had at parties. Kyle recounted the last party they had been to and what a good time it had been. He said how much he liked going to parties with Brad and wanted to keep doing it and how much he appreciated Brad's driving them. Then he said it was hard, though, to always have to worry about getting home safely. He explained that drinking and driving don't mix, and how last time Brad's drinking had endangered not only himself and Kyle, but other people too. Brad could have gotten in bad trouble with the police, too, Kyle pointed out. Kyle finally said that if Brad was going to keep drinking at parties, they would have to come and go separately; otherwise it was too much stress for Kyle to enjoy the parties.
At first Brad agreed this was best, but after a while he missed Kyle's company. He called Kyle up to offer him a ride to and from the next party.
"I won't drink anything," he promised.
Because Kyle had kept things friendly, emphasizing how much fun he had with Brad, Brad was able to give up the negative thing he was doing and the two were able to go on enjoying their friendship together--safely.
Win/win relationships
A win/win attitude is a state of mind that seeks the benefit of all parties involved in the communication process. A win/win solution to a problem is one in which everyone benefits. Win/win views life as cooperation, not competition.
We can build and keep win/win relationships on the foundation of trust and respect. If there is trust and mutual respect, people are focused on issues, not on personalities or positions. When there is trust and respect, we know that we can be open with one another because we feel safe. Even though we may see things differently than others, we feel assured that our opinions will be heard respectfully. Others know that, in turn, their opinions will be respected. Everyone is committed to trying to understand each other's point of view and to work together to find solutions satisfactory to all sides.
Most people are guided by a win/lose mentality. "If I am right, you must be wrong;" "If I am going to get my way, you can't have yours;" "If I am going to come out on top in this, you must come out on the bottom."
Yet part of understanding others is understanding that no one wants to be wrong and to lose out, to have no say in things, and to be sent to the bottom of the list in influence and importance. People need to be respected and heard. Leaders understand this, and they lead in such a way as to help others win too.
Oprah Winfrey, one of the most influential opinion leaders in the world, said the secret to her success was that she had realized most people just want to be heard.
Understanding each other has the power to solve both minor problems and major crises. To understand one another requires continuous investment of our minds and hearts. It is a journey filled with great rewards, though, as we learn to connect more deeply and honestly with ourselves and others.
Questions for reflection
1. What is "empathic listening"?
2. Do you think it is really possible to see or understand a situation from another person’s viewpoint?
4. Do you agree that many difficulties in relationships are caused by unclear expectations”? Why or why not?
5. Do you think you are a good communicator? Back up your answer.
6. What does it take to be a good communicator?
7. Describe a "win-win" point of view.
8. What is a “win/lose” mentality?
10. Do you have a “win/win” or “win/lose” mentality?
Reflection exercise: “A Conversation”
Janine and Alice, who live in neighboring apartments, have the following conversation one night:
Janine: I want to go to the store tonight to get some milk for breakfast tomorrow morning. Will you go with me? Alice: I'm afraid to go out to the store so late. Two weeks ago some guys took my little brother's wallet and his leather coat. Janine: Alice, I don't want to go alone. But, anyway, those type of things don't happen very often. You can't live your life in fear. Alice: Janine, I know it sounds stupid, but I am really afraid. I don't want to take a chance. My brother was so scared when he came home, he was crying. I just don't want to take a chance. Janine: Thanks, Alice. Now I won't have any milk for tomorrow morning. Maybe I should just ask Judy to go. I know she would.
1. What do you think of Janine’s attitude towards Alice?
2. Janine tells Alice that she shouldn’t live her life in fear, but how honest is she about her own fear?
3. How do you think Alice and Janine feel after this conversation?
Introduction
Table of Contents
Understanding one another requires considering the other person’s viewpoint rather than just our own. Understanding others and their point of view is important. The more we understand others, the more we can respect and value them. We need to see the situations and problems they face through their eyes. Each of us can take the lead in understanding others.
Empathic listening
One way to understand others is through listening with empathy (empathic listening). This means listening with the intent to understand a situation from the other person’s viewpoint. To have empathy means to fully and deeply understand another person, feeling things as they feel them.Much more is involved in empathic listening than simply understanding the words being spoken. We must listen not only with our ears but also with our hearts.
When people speak to us, we know we do not always give them our full attention. We may pretend to listen, saying, “Yes,” “Uh-huh,” or “Right." Our minds and attention are really somewhere else. Sometimes we can even outright ignore someone who is trying to speak to us. Even if we do listen attentively, we are likely to be focusing on the external subject matter rather than on what is going on inside the other person. Very few people practice empathic listening— the highest quality of listening.
John: I can't understand my little brother. He just won't listen to me.
David: You don't understand your little brother because he won't listen to you?
John: That's right.
David: I thought that to understand someone you needed to listen to him.
John: Oh, yeah! (Pause) Well, I do understand him. I know what he's going through, because I've been through the same thing myself. What I don't understand is why he won't listen to me.
In reality, John has no real idea what is going on inside his little brother's head. He is only connected with what is in his own mind and imagines he knows what his brother is going through. It is certainly easier to see from our own point of view. We want others to also see this viewpoint, while failing to try to understand theirs.
In empathic listening we are trying to understand what is going through other people's minds and hearts. We don't automatically assume that other people see the world the way we do. Instead we sincerely open ourselves to what others are saying.
Seeking to understand requires humility and consideration for others. Once we have taken the lead in understanding others, then we can ask to be understood.
Communication glitches
The root of many difficulties in understanding one another is unclear expectations, which tend to cloud communication attempts. Whether it is a mother communicating with her child about household chores or an office manager dealing with the work of his/her staff, unclear expectations can lead to misunderstandings, disappointments, and distrust.Example: Unclear expectations on the job
Dorothy had a job during the summer to save money for college. She was an assistant to one of the directors of a company. She worked hard for him and did whatever he asked her to do in the office. He was pleased with her work, and Dorothy was happy.After a while, though, Dorothy noticed the secretaries in the office becoming angrier and angrier with her. When she asked them anything, they snapped at her, and she could tell they were saying bad things about her behind her back. It was becoming miserable to even go to work. At last, she asked the director if he knew what was wrong.
"Oh," he said. "Part of what you are supposed to do is assist the secretaries too. They are expecting you to do the filing they can't finish every day. They're mad that you're not helping them."
Dorothy said, "I didn't know I was supposed to do that."
"Well, I never told you that you had to help them," he said. "I have more than enough for you to do. But I guess from now on you are going to have to share some of their work if you want them to be nice to you. They're expecting you to help them."
Dorothy began offering her assistance to the secretaries after that conversation. They were a little kinder to her then. When she stopped working at the company to return to school, she wished someone had told her clearly what she was expected to do. She could have avoided a lot of misery that way.
People often have expectations that are not outwardly expressed, but which are assumed. In a marriage, the husband and wife usually have expectations of one another. They often expect the other to act the way their own mother or father acted. Although these expectations may not have been communicated or even consciously recognized, much less agreed upon, they can create real friction when not satisfied.
The same thing happens in friendships. One person may have unspoken expectations as to how a friend should act. The other person may not be aware of what is expected and winds up hurting the other person's feelings. For instance, one friend may expect that she will be invited along on any fun time her best friend goes on. The second friend may feel it is obvious that they both will have other friends with which they will do things separately at times. These unspoken expectations will lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings unless they are brought out into the open and discussed.
Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to make our expectations clear in relationships. It can seem easier to pretend that differences do not exist and hope that things will somehow work out. However, in the long run it is better to admit our differences up front. If everyone knows where the other stands, there is a better chance to find areas of solid agreement. Simple misunderstandings can become complicated, leading to distrust, conflict, pain, and communication breakdown.
Becoming a leader in communicating
Being a good communicator is an important leadership skill, whether leading a family, a club, a team, or your own life. It is crucial to our relationships with others.To be good communicators, we must be aware of what is going on inside ourselves and take responsibility for it. Self-awareness means being in touch with our own perceptions, views, feelings, and desires. It is also very important for us to take responsibility for these things. We need to express them in clear, responsible terms without being harsh, rude, or demanding.
For example, it is better to say, “I feel frustrated that you have not returned my science book. I need it to study for the exam we have in a few days. Please return it this afternoon," rather than demanding, “Give back the book you took from me now, you thief!" Another alternative—silently getting angrier and angrier but saying nothing—is not a good one. You will communicate your anger through your "body language" and tone of voice, no matter how much you try to hide it. This will not help the situation. Only the first example of communicating one's feelings will lead to better understanding.
Understanding each other means to be able to "read" others well too. Sometimes what people are saying with their facial expressions, bodies, or tones of voice may be different from their words. Taking the lead in communication might mean saying something like this to a friend, "You say you are okay about being cut from the team, but you keep fouling me when we play at the park. If you are angry because I made the team and you didn't, I can understand. But I don't want to be fouled all the time." True friends are able to communicate honestly with each another rather than having to hide or ignore things in order to keep the "peace."
Successful leaders are those who can confront issues directly yet constructively. This usually means telling the person honestly about the issue, but not in a way that will ruin the relationship. Approaching issues with care and consideration can resolve many issues that otherwise could be very unpleasant to discuss.
Example: A drinking problem
Kyle had a problem. He and Brad loved to go to friends' parties. Brad was older than Kyle and could drive. He was the one who provided transportation to and from the parties, not only for Kyle but for other friends too. The problem was, Brad also liked to drink at these parties. When Brad drank, he was a terrible driver. More than once, they had almost gotten into an accident. After the last party, Brad had almost tipped the whole car over--with five people in it.Kyle approached Brad by talking about what they had in common: the fun they had at parties. Kyle recounted the last party they had been to and what a good time it had been. He said how much he liked going to parties with Brad and wanted to keep doing it and how much he appreciated Brad's driving them. Then he said it was hard, though, to always have to worry about getting home safely. He explained that drinking and driving don't mix, and how last time Brad's drinking had endangered not only himself and Kyle, but other people too. Brad could have gotten in bad trouble with the police, too, Kyle pointed out. Kyle finally said that if Brad was going to keep drinking at parties, they would have to come and go separately; otherwise it was too much stress for Kyle to enjoy the parties.
At first Brad agreed this was best, but after a while he missed Kyle's company. He called Kyle up to offer him a ride to and from the next party.
"I won't drink anything," he promised.
Because Kyle had kept things friendly, emphasizing how much fun he had with Brad, Brad was able to give up the negative thing he was doing and the two were able to go on enjoying their friendship together--safely.
Win/win relationships
A win/win attitude is a state of mind that seeks the benefit of all parties involved in the communication process. A win/win solution to a problem is one in which everyone benefits. Win/win views life as cooperation, not competition.We can build and keep win/win relationships on the foundation of trust and respect. If there is trust and mutual respect, people are focused on issues, not on personalities or positions. When there is trust and respect, we know that we can be open with one another because we feel safe. Even though we may see things differently than others, we feel assured that our opinions will be heard respectfully. Others know that, in turn, their opinions will be respected. Everyone is committed to trying to understand each other's point of view and to work together to find solutions satisfactory to all sides.
Most people are guided by a win/lose mentality. "If I am right, you must be wrong;" "If I am going to get my way, you can't have yours;" "If I am going to come out on top in this, you must come out on the bottom."
Yet part of understanding others is understanding that no one wants to be wrong and to lose out, to have no say in things, and to be sent to the bottom of the list in influence and importance. People need to be respected and heard. Leaders understand this, and they lead in such a way as to help others win too.
Oprah Winfrey, one of the most influential opinion leaders in the world, said the secret to her success was that she had realized most people just want to be heard.
Understanding each other has the power to solve both minor problems and major crises. To understand one another requires continuous investment of our minds and hearts. It is a journey filled with great rewards, though, as we learn to connect more deeply and honestly with ourselves and others.
Questions for reflection
1. What is "empathic listening"?
2. Do you think it is really possible to see or understand a situation from another person’s viewpoint?
4. Do you agree that many difficulties in relationships are caused by unclear expectations”? Why or why not?
5. Do you think you are a good communicator? Back up your answer.
6. What does it take to be a good communicator?
7. Describe a "win-win" point of view.
8. What is a “win/lose” mentality?
10. Do you have a “win/win” or “win/lose” mentality?
Reflection exercise: “A Conversation”
Janine and Alice, who live in neighboring apartments, have the following conversation one night:Janine: I want to go to the store tonight to get some milk for breakfast tomorrow morning. Will you go with me?
Alice: I'm afraid to go out to the store so late. Two weeks ago some guys took my little brother's wallet and his leather coat.
Janine: Alice, I don't want to go alone. But, anyway, those type of things don't happen very often. You can't live your life in fear.
Alice: Janine, I know it sounds stupid, but I am really afraid. I don't want to take a chance. My brother was so scared when he came home, he was crying. I just don't want to take a chance.
Janine: Thanks, Alice. Now I won't have any milk for tomorrow morning. Maybe I should just ask Judy to go. I know she would.
1. What do you think of Janine’s attitude towards Alice?
2. Janine tells Alice that she shouldn’t live her life in fear, but how honest is she about her own fear?
3. How do you think Alice and Janine feel after this conversation?